So, it's been a little while.....

Life has been crazy to say the least.  I'm slowly dealing with the loss of our son. We're starting group sessions this week and I'm really hoping that helps me.
Work has been a major source of stress for a while now and I've been trying to find a way out.  Tonight, a friend from church (who knew nothing about my work issues) sent me a message about a job opportunity. I jumped on it and now, it's just 'wait and see'. I know that there's something better out there for me. Maybe this is it, maybe it isn't....
Every other facet of life is spectacular. I love my little family with all of my heart. They see me through every rough patch I face.

Closing doors and opening windows

Life can change in the blink of an eye...even when you're expecting it.
The loss of a job is usually cause for panic and concern, but we're doing ok. Neither of us feels scared or worried. We know that everything happens for a reason. God doesn't close a door without opening a window of opportunity. We are strong in our faith, in our relationship and in our dedication to pursuing God's purpose behind it all.
I pray that it doesn't take long to find something else to provide for our family. But, at the same time, I trust that everything will work out to God's purpose and in God's timing. Until we understand it, we will take it in stride.

Moving forward and looking back

It seems that life is moving forward...like it or not. Except, for the most part, I'm 100% ready to move on. Packing things that aren't mine to make room for things that are. Taking things out of storage that I haven't seen in months feels really good. Having a place to call 'home' feels even better. Sharing that home with the man I've loved for more than 15 years....the best feeling ever.

Look back....the last 15 months have been a whirlwind of emotion and events. Finally deciding that my marriage was over, taking the steps to convey that to my husband *sigh*, reconnecting with my high-school sweetheart, supporting each other through life's events, moving out of my apartment, feeling like life was leaving me in the dust....yeah, it's been quite a ride. A pregnancy that I had been told would never happen, followed by a miscarriage that tore my heart in two. Divorce papers being signed....life has a way of making you happy and sad all at the same time.

Now, today, this moment...I am happier than I have ever been. And for that, Lord, I say thank you.

slowly....

For the most part, on most days, life seems to be getting back to normal. I have moments that come on like a flood, I suppose I always will. I'm getting to a point where I can speak Conner's name and talk about him without completely falling apart.

The hardest moments are the quiet ones...when I used to feel him move; the rides home from work...when I would talk or sing to him; the sleepless nights....when I would just lie there with my hand over him, sending all the love I could.

Work has been hard and therapy all at the same time. Seeing those little smiling faces helps, most days. There are times when it's completely heartbreaking and I have to take a step back to regain myself.

I hope and pray that I get another chance to be a mother. It's the one thing in life that I've always wanted and have yet to accomplish.

Recent History

Conner's service was March 31st. It went well and we held up fairly well, all things considered. It was great to have love and support from friends and family.

Rough week at work: physically and emotionally. But, it was only 4 days, so I survived. Being the only teacher in the room is seriously starting to take it's toll on me in every way.

Josh and Carly seem to have resolved some of their disputes, thank God. I'm hoping that, after a few loose ends are tied up, we can all move ahead in life.
We have plans for the house, for ourselves and for our future. I already feel a greater sense of peace.

Today's frustrations....

Today was, all in all, a decent enough day.  Just a few little things that irked me. You know, those things that don't really matter much in the end but really cook your goose in the moment.

1. A kid in my class really likes to run: as in any time the door opens!  Let's just say I didn't need to do any workouts when I got home.

2. Got a new phone with Boost Mobile...the phone number they assigned already belongs to someone else and she really didn't appreciate me calling.

3. A/C line in the house is clogged....not too thrilled with the process of cleaning it out. Glad we can get it done without 'calling the man', but golly what a pain.

4. Trying to plan our son's memorial service, but at least one of the songs I want played is being incredibly difficult for Josh to find/download.

On the upside, today was Mom's birthday and I got to spend some time with her and Dad. 

Well, that's my nutshell. Hope you're doing well!

Here we go again...

So, once again, I am going to attempt to be a blogger. Who knows where this will take me. Perhaps it will be a source of therapy. That would be nice. So much has happened in the last year...it will take me some time to catch up on everything. All I know, at this moment, is that my life is greater than I ever imagined it could be. Sure, it has it's ups and downs, but who's life doesn't? I do my best to do my best and be my best. That's all I know to do. I love deeply and care genuinely. I like for the people I love to be happy so I do all that I can to help with that; sometimes to a fault.